compulsive shopper

my compulsive shopping habit... hmmm...  a long time ago, in another lifetime, my  now ex husband cut up my charge and credit cards in a rage when he realized that i had maxed out on all of them in one month and spent my monthly salary a couple of times over on stupid stuff i could not even find anymore among all the other stuff that i had purchased previously. i have never had credit cards since, but i have never had any money put aside for a rainy day in the bank either, and even though i have always worked hard and earned well, i have also always been totally broke. but my wardrobe... my bookshelves, my jewelry chest, my bathroom... full of STUFF... STUFF and more STUFF. i have 35 pairs of blue jeans. 15 pairs of black jeans. i have green jeans, pink jeans, purple jeans, grey jeans, white jeans. that's just jeans. 

i won't go into linen pants, leather pants, dressy woolen pants, leggings, corduroy slacks, shorts, silk trousers, etc.  i have a hundred skirts.  i have boots in all the colors of the rainbow. i have dozens of leather bags. thousands of books. tons of bling. i don't even know what i have. and I am not Carrie Bradshaw or whoever just a simple woman trying to live the yogi life.

but what is actually worse than having all this stuff is the yearning for more. this constant desire, longing, craving for more stuff. wanting another pair of pants, this time shorter and tighter, hungering for another t-shirt or yet another pair of dr martens, the cool 18-eyelet model in the weird antique rose color. keeping my eye on the latest book of my favorite author(s), lusting for another bag or purse or pocketbook or backpack, some more trinkets or the umpteenth lipstick etc., etc...

i don't know where my tendency to buy buy buy and my desire to hoard more come from, probably some deep seated psychological trauma back before i was conceived. but i do know that by desiring and hoarding stuff i am breaking one of the 8 rules of yoga, Aparigraha - Neutralizing the desire to acquire and hoard wealth, that is part of YAMA.

 

Aparigraha means to take only what is necessary, and not to take advantage of a situation or act greedy. It also implies letting go of our attachments to things and an understanding that impermanence and change are the only constants.

i'm working on this now but it's very very difficult. but i'm working.